ARE YOU A SINNER OR SAINT?

                                                                Photo: Karen Magazine

There are moments in this journey that I succumb to food insanity.  This is when I throw all caution and good resolutions to the wind and head for food sin city.
Out of boredom, feeling deprived or stress are the main little devil triggers. Truth be told, sometimes, I just get sick of playing nice.  Grilled vegetables + chicken/meat  + salad are like a continual round of flavourless torture.  I get sick of having to spend so much time thinking about food alternatives.  I get sick of watching others indulge in delicious morsels of heaven while I quietly salivate eating a salad.  A treat now and then isnt going to hurt I say but I have that stupid insulin resistance that causes me guilt.  Yet it doesnt stop me thinking and sometimes delving into gluttonous delight:

That cheese - so  mouthwatering. I just want 1x wood fired magarita pizza ALL to myself!

Gnocchi are like seriously bad on so many levels but they are so worth talking a walk on the darkside. Homemade? I'm there with bells on.

                                                     Photo: mustardwithmutton.com

Now I have yet to indulge in a full blown dessert extravaganza but this sticky date pudding with butterscotch sauce AND ice cream would be my choice of defiance.

So my conclusion:  I am obiviously not the saint people think I am so if Im gonna SIN make it WORTHWHILE and SAVOUR EVERY SLOW BITE!!!

HEAVENLY BODIES STATISTICS

Sooooo I've been a little number shy lately.  Without further fanfare: 98.3 Kilos.  It's been like 5 years since I was this weight.  Double digits..ah..its good to see you again!
Yes I am behind schedule for my Thailand trip ..hmmm... that bikini may just need to  placed on hold.
I've had a few breakdowns, the fuck it I'm eating what I want but the guilt afterwards kills me.
I've had to up the ante on the exercise:

Flamenco classes: 4hrs - 6hrs / 3 days a week
Walking in my lunch break: 40 mins sessions / 2-3 days a week
Personal trainer: 45 mins sessions / 3 days a week
Solo training: 1 hr / 1 day per week

Sometimes I dont feel like working out and just want to stay in bed.  I do feel better about myself but my emotions still fluctuate from resentful/ angry /depressed / guilty/ motivated. 
Under all this is a real fear that I'll get to my destination and its not how I envision.  I'm actually petrified that after all this excrutiating hard work I still  won't be able to look at myself with pride in the mirror because all that will be reflected is excess skin, scars and please Heaven above not droopy boobs!
My belly fat is my tormentor. It sits there taunting me that I can't wait for the day that I will have seen the last of it.  But what if what's left is worse?
For now I try to moisturise when I remember and hope, whisper a pretty please to whoever might listening above and then hope some more.

FINDING MY WAY BACK

Have you ever let someone, something, some belief make you forget your passion?

I have, a couple of times.  

I started flamenco when I was 10 years old and did it for 8 years but I left because of  arrogance and divided loyalties with my dance teacher.  The break hurt and with my battered pride I went to a different flamenco studio. 

I enrolled in  Diana Reyes' Beginners 2 class thinking piece of cake.  I only ever managed about 3-4 classes before I gave up.  I thought its too difficult to manage with  uni/ boyfriend/ iceskating (yes in my glory days I was a synchronised figure skater but that a whole different Pandora's box best kept for a rainy day when I'm feeling more melancholic).  In retrospect it was a case of humble pie, I was scared because I wasn't as good as I thought was.  What I didnt realise then is that it was a completely different style of flamenco that I hadnt been exposed to plus lets not forget Diana is INTENSE. (She is the absolute best and is like a flamencopedia)

It wasn't until  that door closed and that I realised its importance.
My blood would heat everytime I heard a piece of gitano music and make me think of what could have been.  Fast forward 13 years and I saw a flyer for Diana's new beginners class.   Could it be in my realm of possibility?  To return to something I had once loved but discarded?

I was so nervous the first time stepping into that dance studio.  But 4 years into my flamenco comeback and I am thankful despite a few tears of frustration.
It has given me back a little piece of me that I thought was lost forever. 

Have you got something that nourishes your soul?  That is an indulgence of your heart? That sets your spirit free?