Sooooo I've been a little number shy lately. Without further fanfare: 98.3 Kilos. It's been like 5 years since I was this weight. Double digits..ah..its good to see you again!
Yes I am behind schedule for my Thailand trip ..hmmm... that bikini may just need to placed on hold.
I've had a few breakdowns, the fuck it I'm eating what I want but the guilt afterwards kills me.
I've had to up the ante on the exercise:
Flamenco classes: 4hrs - 6hrs / 3 days a week
Walking in my lunch break: 40 mins sessions / 2-3 days a week
Personal trainer: 45 mins sessions / 3 days a week
Solo training: 1 hr / 1 day per week
Sometimes I dont feel like working out and just want to stay in bed. I do feel better about myself but my emotions still fluctuate from resentful/ angry /depressed / guilty/ motivated.
Under all this is a real fear that I'll get to my destination and its not how I envision. I'm actually petrified that after all this excrutiating hard work I still won't be able to look at myself with pride in the mirror because all that will be reflected is excess skin, scars and please Heaven above not droopy boobs!
My belly fat is my tormentor. It sits there taunting me that I can't wait for the day that I will have seen the last of it. But what if what's left is worse?
For now I try to moisturise when I remember and hope, whisper a pretty please to whoever might listening above and then hope some more.
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