ARE YOU A SINNER OR SAINT?

                                                                Photo: Karen Magazine

There are moments in this journey that I succumb to food insanity.  This is when I throw all caution and good resolutions to the wind and head for food sin city.
Out of boredom, feeling deprived or stress are the main little devil triggers. Truth be told, sometimes, I just get sick of playing nice.  Grilled vegetables + chicken/meat  + salad are like a continual round of flavourless torture.  I get sick of having to spend so much time thinking about food alternatives.  I get sick of watching others indulge in delicious morsels of heaven while I quietly salivate eating a salad.  A treat now and then isnt going to hurt I say but I have that stupid insulin resistance that causes me guilt.  Yet it doesnt stop me thinking and sometimes delving into gluttonous delight:

That cheese - so  mouthwatering. I just want 1x wood fired magarita pizza ALL to myself!

Gnocchi are like seriously bad on so many levels but they are so worth talking a walk on the darkside. Homemade? I'm there with bells on.

                                                     Photo: mustardwithmutton.com

Now I have yet to indulge in a full blown dessert extravaganza but this sticky date pudding with butterscotch sauce AND ice cream would be my choice of defiance.

So my conclusion:  I am obiviously not the saint people think I am so if Im gonna SIN make it WORTHWHILE and SAVOUR EVERY SLOW BITE!!!

HEAVENLY BODIES STATISTICS

Sooooo I've been a little number shy lately.  Without further fanfare: 98.3 Kilos.  It's been like 5 years since I was this weight.  Double digits..ah..its good to see you again!
Yes I am behind schedule for my Thailand trip ..hmmm... that bikini may just need to  placed on hold.
I've had a few breakdowns, the fuck it I'm eating what I want but the guilt afterwards kills me.
I've had to up the ante on the exercise:

Flamenco classes: 4hrs - 6hrs / 3 days a week
Walking in my lunch break: 40 mins sessions / 2-3 days a week
Personal trainer: 45 mins sessions / 3 days a week
Solo training: 1 hr / 1 day per week

Sometimes I dont feel like working out and just want to stay in bed.  I do feel better about myself but my emotions still fluctuate from resentful/ angry /depressed / guilty/ motivated. 
Under all this is a real fear that I'll get to my destination and its not how I envision.  I'm actually petrified that after all this excrutiating hard work I still  won't be able to look at myself with pride in the mirror because all that will be reflected is excess skin, scars and please Heaven above not droopy boobs!
My belly fat is my tormentor. It sits there taunting me that I can't wait for the day that I will have seen the last of it.  But what if what's left is worse?
For now I try to moisturise when I remember and hope, whisper a pretty please to whoever might listening above and then hope some more.

FINDING MY WAY BACK

Have you ever let someone, something, some belief make you forget your passion?

I have, a couple of times.  

I started flamenco when I was 10 years old and did it for 8 years but I left because of  arrogance and divided loyalties with my dance teacher.  The break hurt and with my battered pride I went to a different flamenco studio. 

I enrolled in  Diana Reyes' Beginners 2 class thinking piece of cake.  I only ever managed about 3-4 classes before I gave up.  I thought its too difficult to manage with  uni/ boyfriend/ iceskating (yes in my glory days I was a synchronised figure skater but that a whole different Pandora's box best kept for a rainy day when I'm feeling more melancholic).  In retrospect it was a case of humble pie, I was scared because I wasn't as good as I thought was.  What I didnt realise then is that it was a completely different style of flamenco that I hadnt been exposed to plus lets not forget Diana is INTENSE. (She is the absolute best and is like a flamencopedia)

It wasn't until  that door closed and that I realised its importance.
My blood would heat everytime I heard a piece of gitano music and make me think of what could have been.  Fast forward 13 years and I saw a flyer for Diana's new beginners class.   Could it be in my realm of possibility?  To return to something I had once loved but discarded?

I was so nervous the first time stepping into that dance studio.  But 4 years into my flamenco comeback and I am thankful despite a few tears of frustration.
It has given me back a little piece of me that I thought was lost forever. 

Have you got something that nourishes your soul?  That is an indulgence of your heart? That sets your spirit free?

LET'S GET PHYSICAL

How steamy, the sexy kind mind you, does ONJ look in this cover shot? ...sigh.... when I sweat its unseemly not hot ;0(
Anyway -  there has been changes about. My gestapo trainer got the boot. Finally!
What made me decide to finally cut the ties?  I couldn't articulate exactly why I didn't like him, it was just a feeling that he spoke to me like a loser.  Now those who know me would say I am dramatic, I really wasn't delusional.  He basically told me I wasn't capable of losing weight by myself  among other trash talk but that was sooooo 2 weeks ago.  So I decided I did not need that negativity - yes I broke up via SMS but I still did it! 

I'm committed to losing weight and I really think this time I will make it but in those moments when I think I can't or I forget why I'm doing it, I need someone who believes I can do it and will inspire me to keep going until I get back in the right mindset.
Ask and you will receive!
So volia: I now have a new trainer ..yay for me.  Kelly Gomez of  Life + Fitness 
Best decision I've made.

ALL THE SKINNY GIRLS ARE DOING IT!

Photo of Lara Stone - Sorry don't know the Photographer

This week I had a bit of a meltdown

I was weighed in last monday and I had lost only 1.4 kilos - I was gutted.

I had been eating quite well and to have such a poor effort for the considerable exercise I was doing didnt seem fair.  It snowballed from there. I had a fight with my mum too. I was feeling blah.

Now I didnt stuff myself with lovely gooey pizza nor did I devour a whole family pack of chocolate. Trust me I would have wanted to. 

Here is what I did do over the course of 1x week:

1x Banana paddle pop (low in sugar)

3x After dinner mints

1x Can sprite

3/4 x  Can coke (yes damn it I had one)

1x Large mandarin mango juice

Other mutiple cups of juice/sippets of lemonade

1x Bacon + egg white roll (trimmed of fat no sauce - hey it was free)

1x Skinny slice of supreme pizza

A handful of peanuts

1x Ham + cheese sandwich with butter (Shop premade - was starving)

1 x Lebanese restaurant mixed meat platter (IT WAS DIVINE)

1 x Vegetarian pad prik stir fry (yes with rice)

3x Baklava small pieces

1 x Orange and pear salad (the cranberry dressing was really sweet - heaven knows what was in it)

1x Garlic bread (the DELICIOUS kind)

AND I had a big talking to from my trainer and this was before I had gone off the deep end. 

So this is what I learned this week:

1. I have a serious problem with juices and soft drinks - trying to eliminate them completely is so hard and I  will be sad to see them go.

2. FOOD AMNESIA is a real condition that I have self diagnosed myself with.

3. I have been quietly starving myself.  My mix of day and night shift means  I dont eat at regular times.  Often I'd find I would eat once a day and I would lose my appetite.  So lets say my metabolism is slower than the little engine that could  now that its in starvation mode. Pat on the back right there! NOT.

4. According to my independent research HEALTHY SKINNY GIRLS eat lots alot of the time. What an EFFORT ...but...hmph....I will give it a burl shirle!

PRISONER OF WAR

This past wednesday was one of those days that you just should have stayed in bed.  It was pouring rain, I was late already for my session and I had no umbrella...typical!  So in a musty poor excuse for a raincoat I trudged along to the park.   In the wet I endure the torture in the confined space of the gazebo.  That much more intense as there is nowhere to hide...except... then my trainer noticed the grandstand was unlocked.  The BEGINNING of the END.

The grandstand is old fashioned with rows of bleachers over looking the park oval.  In a series of  squats, knee lifts, stair climbs I muddled through despite being soggy wet (rain not sweat just yet).  The addition of weights and that stupid metal bar thingo was not welcomed but still I  somehow remained upright. Really beats me?
Then the round of boxing combinations began, now this was utter agony. To  think I used to like boxing.  INCESSANT REPITIONS.  I never felt like quitting before even while I was hyperventilating during a jog but this? I was totally in unchartered territory.  

My trainer said how good would I feel doing this when Im lighter. My response?  Still SHIT.  Normally I just zone out and quite the quiet mouse but I couldn't hold the words in.
He also said something (wasnt really listening) about cheating on my food intake. REALLY? SERIOUSLY?  You think I would willingly put myself through this torture and cheat on my food intake?  Undisplined I might have been, stupid I am not.

I am not sure why this session was so terribly painful - possibly all the upper body work and weights.....Oh not to mention the hateful star jumps.  I HATE them,  According to my trainer Im not built for star jumps eg my feet/ankles.  The truth is having my boobs and gut flapping in the wind is mighty uncomfortable.

Being a sadistic sucker for punishment I had a 0510 AM!!!!  training session on friday before work.  I couldn't sleep as I was scared I would sleep through the alarm.  Sleep deprived I arrived at the park.  Thankful that it wasnt raining at least. 

I had to jog mutiple laps of the park, ok it was just x4 times interspersed with other inconsequential fitness hoopla. Lets not forget the fucking star jumps again!  All I can remember is this growing pressure in my chest that had started on wednesday and was now blooming.  Tell the truth and shame the devil.  It was anger.....towards my trainer. 

Why are you making me do this?
Can't you give me a break?  Just a small one?

At I trotted off at my pathetic pace this anger simmered in my chest.  I could only think this is how prisoners of war must be broken down.  Tortured then left to hope that the end is near yet only to commence once again. 
That anger was soon directed towards me:
He is here because you are paying him bright spark!
You're here at 5am as a consequence to your choices!
I was due for another session the next morning with little option than to suck it up cupcake - just like that.

TALKING NUMBERS

So Tuesday was crunch time and just as I suspected the results were somewhat lacklustre.
1.7 Kgs lost for Week 2.  That means I am currently 107.2Kgs.  Progress : yes Cause for celebration: Not just yet. 
Oof the erotic dreams of a good italian margarita pizza are just gonna have to wait !

FORBIDDEN FRUIT

                                                                 *Photo: Alannah Hill campaign

The temptation is always there. Taunting.  Is there such a thing as food erotica?  Its starts with the visual and then it blooms into the possible taste till its almost tangible.The food type: naughty bad for you succulent morsels of  temptation. So seductive would it be to have just a little bite? Then again it could be the hunger pains making me slightly delusional.....

THINKING LITE THOUGHTS

So tomorrow is the big weigh in. I have officially completed WEEK 2 of my diet / trainer.
Now I know I have only lost about 1.5 kilos this week  hopefully it'll come up on my trainer's scales too. I have a sneaking suspicion that there will  be hell to pay if  there is no movement of the KGS.

Well I had a sloooooow week - I freaked out by wednesday cos I wasnt dropping anything - just HOVERING.  Its like this taunting slap in the face that the bloddy numbers aren't moving.  I  only worked out 5 days last week plus I was a little sick.

Reflecting I think it had alot to do with DUMPLINGS.  Lisa my mate did a late night delivery of her mother's HOMEMADE dumplings.  1st word: Delicious. 2nd word: Inhaled - yep thats what I did - I inhaled those dumpling so fast - there one moment gone the next.

                                                  * Photo by vegetabledumplings.tumblr.com

Now I dont think they were quite the guilty sin EXCEPT for eating at 22:00  on 2 consecutive nights and all the  dough  involved.  So VOLIA -  the reason I am approaching tomorrows "official" weigh in with trepidation.

POSSIBLITIES ARE IN THE AIR

There is an excitement I can't contain.....so I'm just gonna say it.  I have a persoanl trainer.  Sometimes I am struck by these strokes of genius although right now I have yet to decide whether this decision was one of intellect or madness.  I cant afford it but I obviously have committment issues with independent exercise ie, taking myself for a walk.   So my challenge is to do 3-4 session a week for 5 possibly 10 weeks and see how I go.  I called around about 5 trainers and only managed to speak to 1 guy.  I was desperate to get started before I lost my nerve so I set it up.  Note to self and everyone else: always have a trial session.  My new trainer is an exercise gastapo, hold no punches and is as BLUNT as a butter knife.   My first session was fitness testing and to start off he made me run around the park oval 3 xTIMES.  RUN...ok so it was more a jog but that's still more than Ive done ever.  I HATE running/jogging/walking and I don't use the term hate lightly. Anyway I somehow have made it through the 1st week ALIVE yet albeit wounded.  The highlight?  My trainer  telling my that next time I reach for a BIG MAC I better be ready to run 10 laps around the oval. Forget that shit I'd rather live cause surely that would kill me nevermind Ive always been a QUARTER POUNDER (hold the pickle and onion) girl!

DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT

So here I am again.  The prodigal returns.  Yet I am in a strong state of mind. Despite the constant fluctuation 1-2 kilos up or down with more movement than the Dow Jones.  The Yo-Yo effect I think is a direct reflection of my motivation. I play at being good then revel in the my wicked darkside of food indulgence.  Yet  I am newly focused.  I think much has to do with my pending Thailand trip, the mere thought of a squeezing into bathers fills me with panic and makes me want to dream it all away.  But unfortunately I am stranded in the realm of reality and thus  must make a change.

THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING

Lets get to the nitty gritty shall we?
***113.5 Kilos ***
So Ive lost 5.6 kilos

It doesn't seem like much and really let's be honest its not, considering the timeframe.
What I found really visually imnpacting was when I measured the weightloss in flour.
Kinda silly but it gave me an image I can always assosciate back to.
When I held those 5 packets of flour and a cup in my arms, I acknowledged that 5 kilos and a bit should not be scoffed at!

MAGIC ELIXIR

My family life has never been Brady Bunch perfect and sometimes it was downright awful. About 2 weeks ago my brother and I had a big blue. Now referred to as "The Incident". It really hurt my heart, I hadnt experienced that deep painful crying in years. Anyway despite the drama it made me confront how food has always been a sort of medicine. That perfect potion which will ease the pain away. Well hello there bright spark... this is not a new revelation - Im not a complete ostrich.

Normally there is a driving force, anxiety, desperation that I need to eat something (more often than not junkfood)to quieten this tempest of feelings before they overwhelm me. I know its about control, feeling helpless, not being able to express myself but its 3am and Im limiting my self analysis.

When I am in the midst of one of these situations there is no time to stop and reflect - its just me, food, NOW!!! Yet this time I did - I didnt find my oneway ticket to a whole uppercrust pizza nor 2x servings of thai take out with a litre of coke (coca cola that is ..lol..) The temptation was so seductive but I didn't - so that a small win for me...yay

P.S I have since fallen off the wagon but that's another story and will jumping back on tomoz y'all

ON AN EMPTY TANK

Lets just take a moment to drool over Crystal Renn in her curvy days. This body shape is the epitome of a sex siren!!!

Weight: 116 Kilos
So ive still managed to lose a little something something since I started!

Well its only been 3 day since I pledged to stop eliminate sugars-fats and
I do miss my lovely toxic fizzy drinks.....aaah.....Ive been on the H2o but its
like an alcoholic I guess?
I work 2 nightshifts per week at my slave job and sometimes Id find myself guzzling 3x cans overnight. Not suprising to be in this sitch huh?

Anyway lets focus:
1. Im only gonna try to stick to h20, mineral water and the occassional fresh juice (just quietly between you and me I had 1x cup of juice)
This is bound to help since I didnt drink water at all - shock horror - yes I know
2. No diet drinks - aspartem? is dangerous and bad for you
3. Getting wild - eating whereever whatever I want 1x per month. BIG CHANGE since Id eat out 1x per week and order take out 3-5 x per week.
4. Cut down on sugar, oil, butter, fats
5. Oops let not forget exercise - my dance classes begin in another 2 weeks. I do 2x classes/week but looking to step this up to 3x classes.

Ok so thats it for now dont want to inundate myself so soon

RUDE AWAKENING

With a humble heart I return. My intial attempt lost steam in a matter of days. No recriminations, I'll just start again, its ok. But today I found out differently. There isnt an endless supply of new leaves to turn over.

I had promised January would be my health month so I asked for a glucose 2hr blood test. Disbelieving that something could truly be wrong but scared, it was still a shock being told Im 1x level away from diabetes.
My mother has diabetes and I already have PCOS and gallstones which places me
in a higher risk bracket.

This isnt just about looking hot now, its about saving and restoring my health (plus looking HAWT!!!)
There were a few tears shed in anger for I know better but didnt take heed. I am thankful I have a chance to hopefully improve what Ive damaged.

One of my new years resolution was to keep my word. Sounds simple but deceptively difficult. Its the little things: being late/sticking to a diet/budgeting. The funny thing about integrity is its so easily tarnished, till you wake up one day and your word doesnt hold any value to others and more importantly to yourself.