THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING

Lets get to the nitty gritty shall we?
***113.5 Kilos ***
So Ive lost 5.6 kilos

It doesn't seem like much and really let's be honest its not, considering the timeframe.
What I found really visually imnpacting was when I measured the weightloss in flour.
Kinda silly but it gave me an image I can always assosciate back to.
When I held those 5 packets of flour and a cup in my arms, I acknowledged that 5 kilos and a bit should not be scoffed at!

MAGIC ELIXIR

My family life has never been Brady Bunch perfect and sometimes it was downright awful. About 2 weeks ago my brother and I had a big blue. Now referred to as "The Incident". It really hurt my heart, I hadnt experienced that deep painful crying in years. Anyway despite the drama it made me confront how food has always been a sort of medicine. That perfect potion which will ease the pain away. Well hello there bright spark... this is not a new revelation - Im not a complete ostrich.

Normally there is a driving force, anxiety, desperation that I need to eat something (more often than not junkfood)to quieten this tempest of feelings before they overwhelm me. I know its about control, feeling helpless, not being able to express myself but its 3am and Im limiting my self analysis.

When I am in the midst of one of these situations there is no time to stop and reflect - its just me, food, NOW!!! Yet this time I did - I didnt find my oneway ticket to a whole uppercrust pizza nor 2x servings of thai take out with a litre of coke (coca cola that is ..lol..) The temptation was so seductive but I didn't - so that a small win for me...yay

P.S I have since fallen off the wagon but that's another story and will jumping back on tomoz y'all

ON AN EMPTY TANK

Lets just take a moment to drool over Crystal Renn in her curvy days. This body shape is the epitome of a sex siren!!!

Weight: 116 Kilos
So ive still managed to lose a little something something since I started!

Well its only been 3 day since I pledged to stop eliminate sugars-fats and
I do miss my lovely toxic fizzy drinks.....aaah.....Ive been on the H2o but its
like an alcoholic I guess?
I work 2 nightshifts per week at my slave job and sometimes Id find myself guzzling 3x cans overnight. Not suprising to be in this sitch huh?

Anyway lets focus:
1. Im only gonna try to stick to h20, mineral water and the occassional fresh juice (just quietly between you and me I had 1x cup of juice)
This is bound to help since I didnt drink water at all - shock horror - yes I know
2. No diet drinks - aspartem? is dangerous and bad for you
3. Getting wild - eating whereever whatever I want 1x per month. BIG CHANGE since Id eat out 1x per week and order take out 3-5 x per week.
4. Cut down on sugar, oil, butter, fats
5. Oops let not forget exercise - my dance classes begin in another 2 weeks. I do 2x classes/week but looking to step this up to 3x classes.

Ok so thats it for now dont want to inundate myself so soon

RUDE AWAKENING

With a humble heart I return. My intial attempt lost steam in a matter of days. No recriminations, I'll just start again, its ok. But today I found out differently. There isnt an endless supply of new leaves to turn over.

I had promised January would be my health month so I asked for a glucose 2hr blood test. Disbelieving that something could truly be wrong but scared, it was still a shock being told Im 1x level away from diabetes.
My mother has diabetes and I already have PCOS and gallstones which places me
in a higher risk bracket.

This isnt just about looking hot now, its about saving and restoring my health (plus looking HAWT!!!)
There were a few tears shed in anger for I know better but didnt take heed. I am thankful I have a chance to hopefully improve what Ive damaged.

One of my new years resolution was to keep my word. Sounds simple but deceptively difficult. Its the little things: being late/sticking to a diet/budgeting. The funny thing about integrity is its so easily tarnished, till you wake up one day and your word doesnt hold any value to others and more importantly to yourself.

MY SUIT OF ARMOUR

Being fat is my shield, it lets me hide behind it. My suit of armour protects me from rejection and failure. Underneath it all, it isnt the shield I believe it to be, its really a double edged sword that hurts me.

An outsider would see these grandiose gestures I make towards making my big dreams a reality but I know the truth. I try enough to satisfy that Im pushing myself but never those extra few necessary steps to achieve what I want most. Its the excuse always ready to step in so I dont have try, dont have to follow my dreams, dont have to live life, dont have to love.

There is a whole emotional side to being overweight which Ive always known about myself, me being in the way of me, which I need to conquer. This is my greatest battle.

TALKING NUMBERS

119.1 Kilos and I want to be 60 Kilos. Daunting and challenging but not impossible.

THE UGLY TRUTH

I did this. To myself I mean. Its painful and abhorrent to look at these photos, not because its unsightly but those stretch marks and rolls of fats, I put them there.  I want to shout this isnt me but it is. I wasnt always like this but now..... I am like this.   I can no longer deny it. I have to swallow the bitter regret that burns in my throat for my wrong choices.  

So ...ahhh...tomorrow I commence Operation: Jessica Rabbit!